Why me? A day in the life parenting Autism while climbing my mountains

Why me? Why not?

This might offend some people initially cos it might appear that I am celebrating tragedy or trivialising pain or accepting that wrong things that occurred were meant to occur and are ok but nah not that at all. I’m not going to rejoice and say I was meant to be abused because it made me who I am! Heck no!!! But I can say as a result of my healing from the pain it caused, my life is better and I am who I am today as a result of my healing.

I saw something the other day that I found interesting. It read “The best stories will come from your struggles. The seeds of your successes are in your failures. Your praises will be birthed from your pain. Keep standing. I have never seen a storm last forever. Seasons change.” I can pretty much relate to most of it. I am able to write some of my greatest stories from the reality of my life and my song writing comes from a place that I often had to go to get the words.

I remember when my children were diagnosed with ASD although I had a feeling what it could be but I didn’t even instantly think it was that so to hear the consultant confirm those words my first reaction was blink a few times as my tear ducts opened up and I caught the water with my fingertips. I remember my hubby looking at me wondering why I was crying. I couldn’t fully explain the reasons for my tears but I know initially it was fear of the unknown, fear that the road ahead will get harder and fear of failure. I had a childhood of battles, teenage years of battles and I began my adult life battling so I was thinking oh boy here we go again…! I imagine that every parents’ wish and prayer for their child is that they never have to struggle but initially that was my fear “will they have a life of struggles?” I didn’t have the answers for that at the time so I suppose my tears represented the fact that actually I just don’t know what is ahead for them or us.

Nevertheless, even though I have been through many storms like the quote stated the storms don’t last for ever. I know life will not be a walk in the park all the time but actually the almighty never promised that but we were promised that we will never be alone and He is our strength. I have really had to hang onto those things throughout our journey.

I was reminded this week that actually some of the things that I thought were not great at the time have later become a blessing to me and have changed my life for the better. Before having my children I was quite sensible in lots of ways but I also had a reckless self destructive side. I was an achiever but when I reached a certain point that began to progress further than I imagined I would do something to block it so I can remain in the place that was recognisable. As I write this I’m shaking my head in disgust at myself cos now looking at it, it seems outrageous. I wasn’t in the place of healing them but now thankfully I am more free from those things. Some things still like to creep their ugly heads up now and again though, but I’m learning to crush them again quite quickly.

I acknowledge that I’m a visionary and I often get visions that blow my mind. Sometimes I go with it and sometimes I start then abandon it and this could just be because I don’t feel it’s the right time and I put it on the shelf or the vision has been rejected in my mind or the minds of others whom I wanted to accept it. I’m learning to ignore the latter bit a lot more now and be confident that if I have faith for the vision and I have received a confirmation then it will come to pass even if millions of people reject it.

I had a dream once that my children will cause me to start something new and it would be based on the things that they enjoyed. In the dream my children were leading other children with similar characteristics in different activities and I was talking to other parents. When I woke up I thought nah that’s so out of my comfort zone. One, I didn’t like other people much lol and talking to people in a group setting was a thing that I taught myself to do for the purpose of work and career but not for the fun of it. It wasn’t something I found comfortable and as for eye contact no way lol. I’m getting better at it now but it’s not always natural.

I did however receive lots of confirmations of this vision and I knew I had to start something and I did and several years later to the day I had that vision, the group I started for families of children on the Autistic Spectrum is flourishing and blowing my mind. From that initial seed I have expanded my knowledge and experience in the area and now able to offer advice, consultancy and interventions to others.

Now if my children were not diagnosed would I be doing what I’m doing now or what I know I will continue to do? I don’t think so! I’ve always had a love for working with children but I also had a legal and therapeutic head on my shoulders so I went down that route with studies and experience. However all of those things weren’t wasted as they have helped direct my path and I am able to cover so many avenues and streets.

My children have also been sent to make me lighten up and have a sense of humour. JJ is growing beautifully and in his teenage years he has developed this dry but clever sense of humour so he is very witty and so funny. Sometimes he can be a little cheeky with it but we snap those things into check really quickly. Nae-Nae is a born prankster and comedian but sometimes I don’t even think she knows how funny she is but then sometimes her pranks go to a completely different level whereby I have to scream to myself Noooooooooo!!

Before I had children I didn’t know how to laugh much. I lived a very sad life inside. My hubby was also sent to help me to lighten up cos he is a very funny man. Between him and the kids I’m wetting myself with laughter some days. If they weren’t made the way they were would this be happening? No! Therefore amongst the lows there are lots of highs!

Due to needing to move to the country as where I lived produced too many difficult memories and through my children’s diagnosis, I have reconnected with and made some amazing life long friends who I refer to as my brothers and sisters. Some of the people I have met I now can’t imagine life without them and some people I thought would always be in my life and be close to aren’t around much anymore. I love everyone beyond words that has been part of my journey and even forgive those that have caused harm, but like seasons change not everyone can always go where I’m going and I can’t go where they’re going either and that’s ok.

Although I don’t think my life is anywhere near its end (I leave that with the Lord) I really believe I’m living in my purpose now and I’m heading further and further into the next phase of my life. I have been led here due to the circumstances of life, good or not so good. Things that might have looked bleak I can now rejoice in it.

I thought I knew how to love before but nah!! My children have taught me real unconditional love. I know that my journey has caused me to love and appreciate my hubby more too. He has his quirks but I genuinely don’t believe that anyone else could be doing what he does for us as a family. No I haven’t always been a good wife but I am making up for that daily now I understand myself better and I’m free from lots of junk. I’m so thankful to God for his life and I also have the best step children I could ever dream of having through our marriage too. If I listened to all the critics at the time who predicted things will not end well for me if I chose this path where would I be now? Hate to swear so I won’t but if I did my fingers will be up to all of them.

I’m thankful for everything in my life. Yes I wish I could change some things and make some things easier for us and the children but what I do know is that our characters have changed to enable us the strength and wisdom to manage anything that has been thrown our way. One church leader gave a word recently that “Things aren’t meant to crush us but to shape us.” That was a word for me as this year we’ve had bulldozers and cannons fire in our direction but thankfully we are still standing and we will be victorious in it all. One day it will all make sense.

So now instead of my asking “Why me?” I now say “I don’t understand it right now but thank you in advance.”

Be encouraged!

Peace and love.

MrsJK