Putting things into perspective – A day in the life parenting Autism while climbing my mountain

It’s been a while… Grief has a way of taking you out of things or changing your perspective or priorities on things. None of which completely applies here lol. I just couldn’t write words on a page. Every time I thought to write the hand didn’t reach the keyboard or the phone. My mind would just go blank and I got a feeling in my stomach that made it uncomfortable. However as usual music was my thing so I could do spontaneously songwriting where I just sat at the piano or a with guitar in my hands and pressed record on my phone then waited as so much beauty came out. It was effortless because it came from the place on high and flowed out of my mouth.
Sometimes we go through different seasons and although very painful some amazing stuff can also develop.  I have had to take time out of work and then return slowly just so I could manage all the things in my life. I realised that the superwoman outfit didn’t fit everyday so I put it down. Usually that would stress the heck out of me but this time it didn’t because I knew that I didn’t need to be strong all the time because in my weakness I would lean solely on the everlasting arms of our creator for every breath that I took. It was wonderful to remember I’m never in any of this alone. Sometimes we as a family are on auto-pilot and a fast express train that charges along the track because it doesn’t have to stop at any destination for a break. During these times we’re not always listening in that still moment cos the noise of our lives is ever present.
I’ve had lots of moments of stillness recently times where I have just emptied my brain of every plan, every project every concern everything. During those still quiet times it’s amazing what you hear that you didn’t hear before like the laughing of angels but I will leave that big ‘story’ for the appointed time.
These still moments when everything around you continues but you are able to block everything out has helped me identify more with our amazing children. My children are able to completely tune out of what’s going on around them and be in a completely different place to everyone else. I’ve done it and it’s so beautiful and now I get it even more. The world continues but at that point of time you are in it but aren’t part of it and oh my gosh it’s been a revelation for me. There’s something in the Bible about being in but not of this world and I wonder if this place could also be part of it? My children have been doing it and going there from birth and it’s only now become a comfortable place for me again.
I’ve discovered that it’s ok not to be Mrs Strong at all times everywhere. My surname doesn’t even begin with S… I got one of those calls last week, you know the calls that some parents dread but watch their phone for it on a daily and hourly basis. Well when we went in I found myself being the usual strong have all the answers but then within minutes not having the words and not trying to give any answers or solutions and just began to cry. Wow for me that was deep but it was ok. Others need to not also have the expectation that we’re always ok and strong because we have a tailored made suit.
Raising a family isn’t easy on any level and I’m not gonna say raising children with additional needs is harder than those without because I haven’t tried it so I wouldn’t know. But I hear that it’s harder. When I tell some people what we do in the mornings even before school they are exhausted listening to me. Whereas its second nature to me now. But recently even that wasn’t second nature and on some days it was all a bit too much until I cried out for help and didn’t lean on my own understanding.
It’s been a real revelation because wisdom for things I didn’t ever have before has just dropped down and I greatly received it. I also discovered that my body can’t keep going the way it was without me also finding an outlet and keeping fit. So I joined a gym, started boxing and body combat and boy oh boy. It was like a missing link connected in too.

Nae-Nae is a hardcore health campaigner lol and I wondered why she would even be remotely fascinated by it but then she’s got wisdom beyond my understanding. She’s been going on about it in her own life for ages, looking at food content, nutritional value and exercising. She watches a lot of programmes about health, rare conditions and eating disorders things like obesity. She is like a GP’s manual cos she knows the names for things I wouldn’t even begin to try and know.
When I started the gym and told her, the response was unusual for a 10 year old “Yes mummy well done.” Like I have finally got it and everything she has been saying, watching and doing has been to prepare me for this moment when I start seeing that my health is equally important. How I felt I could run on a low battery for several hours with limited sleep forever was beyond me. Our bodies are temples. Surely that means the temple has to be taken care of on all levels body mind and spirit. Feed the mind and spirit well but not the flesh? Yeah it makes no sense when you think about it deeply.
JJ loves sports and he is so proud to tell people that his mum used to play football and can still twist up people on the field. He asked me the other day why I didn’t carry on and push to get to the level where I could have played for a big team. I didn’t have the answer at that time but then I reflected. I remembered that my self esteem was crushed so much by the affects of my abuse that I didn’t have the drive for anything that would help me excel cos I convinced myself that I wouldn’t make it anyway so why bother? Sad but true.
I struggled with self-Sabotage for many years after until one day I acknowledged I needed to be free of that totally. I’m trying to encourage my children that all things are possible but I didn’t truly believe it for myself? Can you see how wrong that is? However I’m sure many can identify. Lots of people want therapy and solutions for their children but do not think it’s important for themselves. If we as parents are good and equipped then trust me it makes the job raising children that much easier. Think about pushing a heavy load up a mountain but then there’s a rope attached to your back with the other end attached to a big moving truck going in the opposite direction. Have you got the image? How will you possibly push the heavy load unless you are really Clark Kent?
Yep that’s right you aren’t!
I’ll leave you with that thought…

Peace and love

MrsJK